You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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