there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
