Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
