Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
