dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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