Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
