he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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