Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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