I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
