your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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