Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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