I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We're too hungover to prance.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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