dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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