can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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