I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize