i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
