Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
