Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
