So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
