i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
