i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
