I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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