I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
