3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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