Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
