My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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