This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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