ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
