another moral hangover. fuck.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize