During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
