she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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