I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
