whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
