I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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