Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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