oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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