And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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