final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
