They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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