i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
