She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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