I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
