I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
