So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
