Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
