thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
