I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
