Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
