My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
