i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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