My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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