we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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