i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
