I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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