Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize