What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
