he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
