Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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