He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How does one acquire holy water?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
