Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize