If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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