Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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