i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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