Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
