Whod you bang
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
